I've been thinking again

ok, i've been thinking *pauses for expressions of shock and surprise*

it's probably not an original idea, but bear with me. The trend these days is for women to be slender ("boyish") and relatively small - but big breasted. However, if you look at porn stars, magazines etc, the lauded woman is hairless - certainly compared to porn mags from the 70s and earlier. Breasts and body hair - particularly pubic hair - are both secondary sexual characteristics.

If you look at classical nudes, pubic hair is generally left out; this isn't due to a fashion but because pubic hair was seen as "sexual" - and women were not presented as sexual beings. Come the 70s and the second wave, and women were sexual beings - and we've got a lot more hair and people are starting to accept that women enjoy - and have a right to enjoy - sex. But then comes the backlash.

off comes the pubes. ok. but now let's look at our porn again (although I'm generally talking about magazine porn). You've got no hair, so the genitalia are now more exposed - but further to that, they're bubblegum pink! Now go look at a cunt - particularly one during arousal, and it's not bubblegum pink. Yes, she might be sexy, but she shows no sign (other than a few gurns) of sexual arousal - she is no longer a sexual being.

Add to that the fascination with big breasts (which, by sheer necessity sometimes are artificial) and the "ideal woman" is not only asexual - while definitely female and sexy in appearance, she's not in herself a sexual being; she's not there to enjoy herself, but to be enjoyed - but fake. Effectively, a sleek, shiny, user-pleasing machine.

fears

This money thing is getting worse. I've got to wait until the weekend, when MornMama comes to stay (which I'm really looking forward too) - before I can send the new forms off as she needs to sign them. Despite her having signed everything already. I hate the pettyness of these things; they have both our details on file, but because the form has a different heading - despite being nearly identical - they can't do anything until they've sat on it for another week or ten (at which point, they will probably tell me I have to send in documents they already have).

I have to pay my fees for uni. Now, thanks to the wonderful grants system, they won't decide my fee status until they decide what loan I'm getting - and so I currently have to pay all the fees (that would be a little over £3000). Not at once, just every month, for nine months. When you add that to my rent, you're looking at an outgoing of nearly just over £900 per month. My dad is helping out, thankfully, with the rent (I don't know how I'm going to pay that back, if ever, considering the amount I already owe him).

I'm looking for a job. But I have a problem - I'm either too qualified (I have a teaching qualification) or not qualified enough (I don't have a degree). I don't have any experience in anything except teaching (but I don't have a degree) or working in a shop (I've been turned down for the three jobs I've applied for), and I don't have the interpersonal skills or patience to work in a bar, especially if I have to be up at sparrowfart to go rowing.

If it was just me I was supporting, I wouldn't be so worried - I could, ultimately, live on beans. But Indigo needs his vaccines doing and his teeth cleaning, Dorris needs fixing (and an xray doing first), both she and Pete need thier vaccines. And they both need to eat proper diets, with vegetables and vitamins and what-have-you. I can't scrimp on thier food, certainly not any more than I'm doing by switching them to cheaper food and hay (although it smells good and the buns seem to like it). I can't find cheaper vegetables than what I'm paying. We're already crowded into our smaller place where the buns can't go out as much as I'd like them too, and Indigo doesn't get the run I want him too (and he has to go up and down the stairs). I just start to wonder if I can offer them the life I want them to have.

no money more problems

I've moved house. Hurrah for me.

Well, sort-of. I have no shelves, but I do have five dining chairs (two different pairs and one folding chair from the grandparents) and several boxes of booksbooksbooks. And no wardrobe, so I still have suitcases waiting to be unpacked - which reduces the space I've got.

I could cope with that if I actually had the money to go and buy some bookshelves in order to make a start. But, thanks to the general ineptness of Northamptonshire LEA, I still don't have my student loan, so every day takes me further and further into my overdraft (and, as a result, I still have to pay my fees).

Sometimes it seems like every time I turn around something else goes wrong; I'm starting to get worried about being able to provide for the buns and Indigo, whether or not I'm going to be able to stay in uni, whether or not I'll be able to eat this week.